my husband found out i cheated years agomy husband found out i cheated years ago

I love her but I cheated on her and did not tell her at the time because I dont know what love is and I am only a comfort seeking coward even now. Before deciding whether to take it to your wife, try discussing this with a therapist (even if its only short-term), trusted friend,orspiritual counselor. }); There is no way to rebuild trust with someone who feels no remorse and who continues to lie. display: inline !important; Its a painful place for all of who have been betrayed. If you want to move on, you have to find a way to let go of your reservations and learn to be vulnerable with your partner again. Your life has so much more meaning and value. Fresh Juice | Monday, 17th July 2023 | WhatsApp, entertainment - Facebook Each newly discovered facet is like a new D-day. I think if she had told you or come clean at some point you could work through it but, she hid it from you and lied for soooooo long. My personal point of view: If you are in a committed relationship and you are secretly fucking someone you don't "truly love" the person you are betraying. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people. I know my wife cheated 30 years ago. newwindow.focus() Your spouse is the person you are at your most vulnerable with. Bringing this up to her now when the affair is long over is only going to dredge up the past and hurt her. I doubt he had the 2 women and been celibate since then. Here's what you do, you have her write you a letter detailing the entire time line of the affair. Call in on 030 221. What stressors were present in and outside the relationship? I had never been depressed even before that and never had any suicide ideation. How To Navigate A Marriage With A Feminine Husband (18 Tips), People Think Im Stupid (7 Things You Can Do), 5 Steps To Take When You Hurt Someone You Love, 35 Little Signs Your Ex Is Pretending To Be Over You, Why Do I Still Love Someone Who Hurts Me? (10 Possible Reasons), 11 Tips To Help You Cope With An Attention-Seeking Partner, 23 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Obsessed With You (In A Bad Way), Am I Too Much? (2 Ways Of Looking At It), 20 Reasons You Keep Getting Cheated On (+ Fixes For Each). The latest snippet of info is that she says she ended it with him because he told her he loved her, it apparently took 4 or 5 months after he said it before she did this and she decided she wanted me. Your kids will be fine (and probably even more well-adjusted because they will see that it's okay to leave a relationship that isn't healthy) as long as you make sure to check in with them, see how they're feeling, encourage them to express their emotions, and, if possible, pre-emptively get them into counseling. I think that you'll find a lot of support and advice here. I met my husband years ago and in the beginning he cheated on me when he went on vacation with a friend about 6 months after we met. You cant have a relationship without trust. Some people just do not want the M they will get after R no matter what the circumstances surrounding infidelity are and that is OK. It leaves you questioning what to think and feel. But you may find later on that you need to. Being rocked in your marriage by finding out that your spouse cheated on you years ago might feel like everything you knew has been thrown off balance. I Need Peace. A revered and powerful female leader revealed by new method to - CNN How Do I Shake the Anger I Feel after My Husband's Affair? Shes now been freed and youre the one whos in prison. if (!d.getElementById(id)) { As Pete Campbell from Mad Men said in the shows final season regarding having an 3: Confide In Family Or Friends. Will she become impatient and defensive (not remorse)? And then there is the reality of all that goes into unwinding a relationship. Wait a moment and try again. After so many years, the lierather than the cheating itselfcould feel like the hardest part to get over. It may have happened 25 years ago for her, but for you it JUST HAPPENED!!! Get the evidence you need so you can leave with whats yours. Just think it through. Or has this discovery rocked your faith in your relationship? Your marriage and the decisions you make in it are something you must live with every day. 1 2 3 Next Page 1 of 3 wifehurtheart Member Members 46 posts Location: Northeast Posted April 27, 2012 (edited) My D-day was 5 weeks ago and I have been riding an emotional roller coaster ever since. How do you build trust with the untrustworthy? My Husband Sent Me A Seemingly Innocent Text. It Led Me To - HuffPost Its not that they dont get it. Shes the love of my life, without a doubt. Sure sounds like you were plan B without a doubt. hi everyone, I wrote here years ago. return false; Surely that counts for something. One of my friends had heard this and let me know. (12 Things To Do). mind you I married him back in 2011. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. You know that your spouse wasnt honest with you when they cheated years ago, but now is their chance to prove to you that theyve changed. NO LIES from here on out. Focus on the basics - eat, sleep, hydrate. The guy is known to get around. I still love him and he says he still loves me, but he thinks he has sex addiction. They lie a lot. Also watch these videos. if (window.focus) { You just have to decide if you want to be the one to hold onto that because you are in fact the guilty one or are you going to make others feel that pain too? Answer (1 of 20): I've been on both sides of this problem with different people in my life. width: 450px !important; So you will have to make internal trade offs as to what life you can live, get your self respect back, and find a new normal. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. An extremely painful part of the aftermath of infidelity is that it threatens to erase what you thought to be true that you were loved and admired as the one . } (I haven't} I then asked her the same question and she admitted to a drunken one night stand some 25 years ago with a work colleague. "I Just Found Out My Husband Cheated On Me 5 Years Ago - What Do I Do I would want to know because this is obviously something very difficult that is causing you pain and in that case this is something that the two of us should work on healing together. } else { Speaking to a neutral third party means that they will always keep your best interests at heart. We were not married.. Even worse is times she treated me badly and accused me of cheating when I wasn't. Read thru it. A part of you might want to brush your partners cheating under the carpet and get back to your happy life and happy relationship, but think carefully about whether you can truly let go of what theyve done before you try. Every situation is unique and its up to the couple to decide how and if they want to move forward. Your spouse may have cheated on you years ago, but the effect of it is only being felt now. $('.burgerMenu').click(function() { You need to be able to rely on them and know theyll be there for you no matter what. guilt has taken hold. I found out 40 years later, and it was with my best friend who stayed in our life for years after it was over. Moody. Let her go see how marketable she is at this age. I have forgiven my WW. Theres no salvaging it. Times she denied me sex. I always suspected he cheated on me back then but he always denied it and so i gave him the benefit of the doubt. At your 10-year anniversary (November 2019) she drunkenly admitted to sex with a co-worker in a ONS. Love is patient, love is kind, love is wise love always conquers!! But what she did is beyond horrible and there is no way a "good" woman would make a "mistake" like that, If you intend to grant her the gift of staying in the relationship AND THAT IS A BIG ASK. He has lied to you every day of your marriage since his affair ended. You are the one that has been hurt, and you are the one that will have to live life with the person who hurt you if you decide to stay. I think if she had told you or come clean at some point you could work through it but, she hid it from you and lied for soooooo long. Condoms dont protect you from all STDs. I just told him. border: none !important; You have a right to be emotional and upset with them, but starting an argument over this will only push you and your spouse further apart. We recently had our 2nd child (5 month old f) and this time around we were not getting along. Practical, achievable changes are tangible ways for your spouse to show you that they want to make up for what theyve done. What to Do After You Find Out Your Partner Cheated - SheKnows How has sex between the two of you been for the past couple of years? If she cant explain it and doesnt want to talk about it, I think there is a reasonable chance this wasnt the only time. That, as you also shared, could all go away if you were to tell your husband what you did; he would likely become hurt and angry, and he may even leave you, and your children would likely also be negatively impacted by whatever would come next fighting, separation, and/or divorce. Its a confusing feeling and you should try not to let it cloud your judgment with regards to your long-term decision. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. But just because your partner has had time to reconcile with their mistake and move on, doesnt mean you have. I have been with my wife for 22 years. To move on in your relationship, youre going to have to forgive your spouse and find a way to adjust so that you can trust them again. Why did it take you two so long to get married? What might have been causing distance between the two of you? . | WhatsApp, entertainment Never tell a loved one of an infidelity: you would be badly rewarded for your troubles. Three days before Valentine's Day 2018, I discovered my husband of 13 years was cheating on me. Can you really see no way forward? } else { Although youre still shocked and upset to find out about it, the person your spouse is now is different from who they were back then. I have been with my wife for 22 years. They dont want to get it. Those emotional needs and feelings thus find a home outside the relationship, making it more likely that the relationship will suffer, possibly fatally. Theres no going back. Should I Tell My Wife about an Affair That Ended Long Ago? You are both entitled to feel whatever emotion youre going through, and just because they dont feel the same way or understand why you feel how you do, it doesnt mean they have the right to tell you any different. $('.headMenuLinksMob').css({ 'width': '100%' }); When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Private Lives asking for help, and may well view your comments here. jQuery('.popupPlugin').on("click", function () { File for divorce. But what good is that really going to do? You may eventually need to go the route of a polygraph test. She will deny it to the skies, but you will not believe her. As others have said, though, it might not be the only one. When people say that they didnt want to confess about their infidelity because they love their spouse and didnt want to hurt them, it sounds very disingenuous. Its not for anyone else to comment or judge. Realizing that your trust in them has been taken advantage of, even if it was a long time ago, is still a hard thought to come to terms with. Revulsion and lack of respect on your part after the revelation, Extreme resentment reflecting back on her actions over that 12 years she lied. } This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. I was at my friend Stephanie's wedding that happened to be at the same place Paul and I said our I do's less than a year prior. We met in college, graduated together, got good jobs. You could even try writing out a confession, in as honest a way as possible, and then read it to yourself a few days later (or, again, to a trusted confidant). I am curious as to what the benefit of this might be, given the risk. September 26 1987 I married a monster. This was just cold and cruel. I dealt with suicidal thoughts 25 years ago when a GF cheated on me and I know how hard the pain can be but in the end its never worth it. All rights reserved. Your Partner Cheated Now What? | Psychology Today I love her, but I have lost every last drop of respect I have for her. Learn how your comment data is processed. 21 January 2022. If she says she won't tell because she doesn't want to hurt you, shut that shit down. I suggest asking your WW to write out a detailed timeline of her affair. It hasn't always been great,. All doesn't have to be lost after a partner chooses to cheat. Sorry youre here. function() { Time lines of events. WH only proved himself to be a vile repeat offender who shows absolutely no remorse. Tell your partner what it is you need from them so you can begin to trust them again. So we all understand how real your trauma is. Honestly, I'm ashamed of the people who heap MORE shame on people for having their problems as if THEY weren't extremely difficult people to deal with at times in their life. Counseling would likely give you the support and perspective that you need to make this decision. In other words, its quite possible the affair will feel to herthough its long over for youas if it just happened. If you're suspicious that she may have been unfaithful in the past, here are some signs to look for: Loaded 0% - Auto (360p LQ) 8 Facts About Marital Affairs You Should Know For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. It's your life. googletag.cmd.push(function() { Peace2000 . Netflix. The fact is that for you and for me the cheating didn't end years ago. He made out with some strange woman just after our first child was born three years into our marriage. [This message edited by squid at 8:33 AM, June 6th, 2020 (Saturday)]. She is not going to drop into a hole. I understand that it is hard to end a marriage, and divorce is something that can be devastating for all involved. Cheating can happen for all sorts of reasons. Also since she claims to have ended the affair and is no longer in contact with the AP' ask her about that in the polygraph. Because had she told him at the time like she should have, it would have been fresh and he would have left then. He begged me for a whole week, cried, pleaded with me not to leave him and he told me he would go to couples counseling if I would just give him a second chance. You need time to process your feelings towards your wife. jQuery('.therapist-slider').hide() Then imagine being in her shoes and hearing it for the first time. Mistakes are part of life; we all make them. .sociable_web iframe.fb_iframe_widget_lift { Read more in our, My Husband Cheated Years Ago But I Just Found Out. I love you. But sometimes, our deep fear of injury or (symbolic) reinjury leads us to distance ourselves or evade our partner in all manner of ways. My Husband Cheated On Me (10 Things You Should Do Immediately) But you have to live in the world. I guess that you need to do what you feel like is right for you. }else{ Sometimes people change, and she may not be that person anymore. How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife? You might ask, how does this serve the we and not just the me? He sounds horribly selfish beyond words. I (27f) found out my husband (27m) was cheating on me 2 years ago while I was pregnant with our daughter. } It is up to you to determine if you will forgive and if you will R or D. Be true to yourself. What Really Happened The Year I Cheated On My Husband As Pete Campbell from Mad Men said in the shows final season regarding having an And that's not something you can live with. But now every little thing is a trigger. Try this on for size! This might spring from a historically recurring question of whether you really deserve the intimacy or love you crave and have found now. And talking about it leads nowhere. Maybe both? guilt has taken hold. That they were tainted. Because it started early in our marriage and went on for a number of years, I feel it invalidated anything that came afterwards because it was built on lies. Like most men, I would divorce if I had proof of a physical affair. I immediately got pregnant and extremely nauseous. }); It took some interrogating to get answers, but eventually my wife admittedshe cheated with this guy. As you've found out it might not be anything because of the great difficulty you had on getting what you do now know. Relationship Rehab: Why I cheated on my 'amazing' husband There are other members here that found out many years later and a timeline was essential in allowing them to heal on some level. Instead, your husband gaslighted you, telling you that you had trust issues rather than admitting to the truth of his infidelity. posted at 1:22 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 1:48 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 2:17 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 2:29 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 2:31 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 3:38 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 4:07 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 4:11 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 5:41 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 5:49 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 5:50 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 6:17 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 6:22 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 7:00 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 8:01 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 9:35 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020, posted at 2:49 AM on Sunday, June 7th, 2020, posted at 9:14 PM on Sunday, June 7th, 2020, posted at 9:18 PM on Sunday, June 7th, 2020, posted at 9:48 PM on Sunday, June 7th, 2020, read and It can be a little slow around here on weekends. Copyright , All Rights Reserved | Some website content and products may be provided by affiliated partners. Think carefully, weighing all relevant options and consequences, but be sure your happiness remains at the heart of your choice. Doing something you know will hurt your partner and then hiding the truth and claiming you hid it not to hurt them is beyond selfish. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments that appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed. I want my marriage to work but Im destroyed. So it seems that the consensus is to hush up and stay the course They may expect you to quickly move past the affair because it happened so long ago. There is so much that you are thinking now just going over every detail that you missed or didmt miss and chose to give the benifit of doubt. I just dont know if I should give him another chance. var googletag = googletag || {}; Just Found Out: Wife cheated 25 years ago . Can I forgive her? However in my mind this woman now deserves nothing from me. Do you see a way to honestly salvage this relationship? $('.submenu3').hide(); Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you. What is it, and is it more about yourself and your own long-standing personal history, or more relating to the relationship specifically? My husband died in January. Give her an opportunity to "revise" her letter. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Nope no explanation at all. bounceback67 ( new member #69336) posted at 9:35 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020. They cant change what they did, no matter how much you both want it to be different. Instead of being accountable for his actions, I have been told Im looking for something to hold over him and that I should seek counselling for my trust issues. But not true happiness. He says he has always loved me and does now more than ever. IDK how honestly you would be able to respect her again. jQuery('.therapist-slider').fadeIn("slow") Slowly healing from Complex PTSD. What can you do? Friends and family may expect you to hate your spouse and to never speak to them again. Image Source Dear Abby: My wife and I are in our 60s and have been married more than 40 years. $('.headMenuLinksMob').hide(); Have you confronted her with this belief? Cheaters lie. googletag.cmd = googletag.cmd || []; The biggest issue is the injustice of it. I have so much to live for. There is lots of planning involved (where are we going to meet, when are we going to meet, how often are we going to meet, what excuses/lies am I going tell my partner as to why Im not home). Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Do not confess under any circumstances it only causes intense pain. BH 60, WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings WW #1 51 since remairred twice continues to cheat even today WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage DD adult 33 DSD adult 34 DSS adult 31, iamweasel ( member #65930) posted at 9:48 PM on Sunday, June 7th, 2020. Stop making a fool of them. I dozed off while reading it. You don't get to hide something from someone for years and then use that time as an example of how far you've come when they deserved honesty for the entirety of that time frame. My advice is to read the Healing Library and start the 180its for you and to give you space that you need to think and start the very slow process of healing. to have sexual relations with your father. First and foremost, reach out to friends and family. } Call a suicide hotline. There should be no secrets between you and your partner. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Cheating is bad enough, but the details are worse. But even after all this I still love him. Believe me, you are going to need this timeline. The longer Im married to him Im not certain that he is wrong. I am sorry that you are here. I do not love him deeply. Not you are not. Does he take any responsibility for his marriage? Every detail of how the affair developed and eventually ended. Remind yourself you are loved. I'm heartbroken and lost. We are all going through what you are now. He says the relationship was short, online-only, and "meaningless", and he's apologised. You know that you were wrong and that this was a mistake and that hopefully it isnt something that will ever happen again. I know the general sentiment around these parts is that your only real choice is to leave. jQuery('#therapistSlider').hover( Sometimes physically moving somewhere else can give you the space you need to find clarity on how you really feel. They lie when they're in the affair. It will likely make you more upset and the divide between you and your partner harder to overcome. What should you do if youve just found out that your spouse cheated on you years ago? You may be able to reconcile that the cheating remains in the past, but the fact that your partner kept what they did to themselves for so long could feel like a bigger betrayal to try to move on from. If you truly love your partner, love them enough to tell them the truth. She is so past the anxiety, the fear of discovery, and she thinks that she did you a favor by keeping it a secret. $('.back').click(function() { She was hanging out with her friend a lot and just acting shady. They may have left their mistakes in the past, but you need time to process the new information and decide how you feel moving forward. In other words, is this a genuine, heartfelt question or a desire to rock the boat in disguise? He and a team of expert writers produce authentic, honest, and accessible advice on relationships, mental health, and life in general. A partner always has their own subjective filter, and it is hard to see how his or her perspective will or wont align with ours. If it is more a matter of your own conscience, is she the best person to offer forgiveness or redemption? You dont want to keep returning to the same argument every time you get upset with each other. I doubt this was her only foray. IDK how honestly you would be able to respect her again. A ONS i could probably forgive, but long term affair would be a huge thing to forgiveand I would not ever forget. It will help you understand that all of the feelings you are experiencing are normal and need to be worked thru. I just found out my husband cheated on me 10 years ago..it feels like yesterday. I see it all over my neighborhood. Remind her that she was not too busy for the AP. Thus, we must play it. If they really loved their,partner, they wouldnt have cheated in the first place. I had my concerns but didn't have solid evidence of this fact until 10 years into my marriage. Reddit, Inc. 2023. Not only do I have suspicions about other guys, but I'm willing to bet there were other hook ups with this guy. Unconscious living called love!!! In the end, only you will know if and when to walk away after infidelity, so have faith in yourself to make the right decision. She has been a cheater/liar for 25 of your 33 years. It's a shame she didn't foresee it before she cheated on you. .footnotes_reference_container {margin-top: 24px !important; margin-bottom: 0px !important;}