Oh honey, what is this? Each of us came from a fairly lower-middle-class background and worked hard to get where we are. Then theres the issue of YOU. I think its better to say something sooner. It isnt a question of pride for your friend it is a question of what the child is entitled to. I guess I just think the effort should be worth it to her, and especially to the boyfriend. I think the damage would be too hard to justify the benefit you were seeking. I generally believe that you shouldnt try and change people from how they were when you met them but since the behaviour could affect any future relationship with you, after seven months I think you can ask if he wants to change this part of his life or not and go from there. Think about how that process gets even more complicated if say you are disabled and have limited mobility, speak english as a second language, rely on public transportation or are uninsured for example. I would say I really admire how responsible you are in taking care of your family, and thats a quality I look for in a life partnerhowever, it concerns me that you may not be able to maintain your current level of financial support for them if you have a family of your own someday. As per the topic title, I'm struggling to decide whether I should stay with my boyfriend or leave him to appease my family.For context, he's 24 and has a great job as a software engineer, and I'm a 23-year-old student in university who is financially dependent on her parents. If you want a pack of lazy leaches, get knocked up. I have a feeling that the LWs boyfriend is absolutely dedicated to his family since he hasnt complained about this situation to the LW. Mention your concerns about his sisters. I know this may cause a huge strain on our relationship. What does the IRS consider a domestic partner? Ok, fine, so you want to be financially supported 100%. Just saying. 5. But I was scared of speaking up in case it looked bad. My boyfriend hardly supports our family financially. I dont know. How much exactly does your boyfriend pay to your family? As for the sisters, they need to learn a lesson in responsibility from your boyfriend. I agree with you. CSSD gets a very small percentage of the monies they collect for processing fees. His mother is a different story, and that one you can offer to help out with (whether its disability if shes not on it already, or leaving it be because she needs extra money because disability isnt enough). Article. I just dont get why women dont get child support from the fathers of their kids. Hes looking into getting a loan with his sibling specifically for a home. I dont see how this situation is going to resolve itself. He's just recently completed his degree and he is yet to get a . Kate, as a mother who doesnt get child support for her two oldest children let me give you an education in the child support system (known as CSSD in Alaska). I feel the same thing too. I live in Brooklyn with my husband, son and daughter. because he gave his parents and siblings the money that would have been used to fix the bathroom. I have 2 very successful daughters ages 25 and 27. 1) You dont mention what your boyfriend feels about this situation. Maintain a balance. That, if done well, could shield the LW from the wrath of the sisters. By extension, your life is on hold as well. Um what? If his name is on the mortgage, it will increase his debt-to-income ratio. Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder. Do you have any advice? It might be okay to ask him help you understand better why he does it if you can do it in a way that conveys that youre curious rather than critical. Though I'm very independent, we do pay for things for each other every once in a while. Im torn between doing whats cheapest (staying here and ending my lease) and what I actually want to do (keep my apartment). Dear Amy: I started seeing "James" three . You may feel that theyre taking advantage of him but whatevers going on is happening with his permission. The family is not an immigrant family. His income is barely covers his outflow. Theres a VERY BIG DIFFERENCE between marrying someone one way and then something bad happens while you are married, then walking into a relationship that is already financially strained. Updated: April . I understand that you want to be able to see a future with him, but I am guessing that his family is not going away anytime soon. This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. I would just start out by asking him what his future goals are does he want his own family? If you see a future with this guy, then his family is part of the package. When you decide to cohabitate, youre making an active step towards commitment, and its more deliberate and intentional.. And DCSS will deduct child support money from their paychecks OR many other forms of income (social security, unemployment). From the way the LW wrote, it doesnt sound as if she is wealthy or has a huge salary. Youre not moving in together until hes brought his support to a sustainable level. If you decide to stay with him, it has to be with the knowledge that he will likely always support his family. Think long and hard about this one, LW. Updated January 13, 2023 One requirement to claim a dependent is that you must provide more than 50% of their support, which is the cost of basic life necessities such as food, lodging, clothing, medical and dental care, education, transportation, utilities, and so forth. 2). Yes, I totally agree, she should still try to get on it. I guess by dysfunctional I meant the sisters not supporting their children and not attempting to either. And nothing happens in a vacuum. Well, Im no lawyer so Im not entirely sure, but I think all of that falls under a parenting plan in TN, so if you go to set up one of those things, youll probably be setting up the other too. I think it is a type of negligence to not maximize every benefit owed to your child. If hes perfectly content to support them then the LW has to decide whether or not this issue is too much for her to handle. Hes actually acting as a crutch, not allowing them to hit rock bottomwhich the sisters will have to do in order to ever learn how to stand on their own two feet Also legal fees to track the guy down aint cheap. Also my husband sought therapy for why he felt obligated to rescue his family members over and over again and it was very beneficial for him, so thats the reason why I think it may be helpful. I understand their baby daddies dont pay child support, but it takes two to make a child! The week starts with a new moon in Cancer and ends with the sun entering fiery Leo. Anyway, my point is that you should be open with your boyfriend about your thinking ultimately its your decision where you want to live, but this moment is an opportunity for you to talk about whats good for both of you, too, financially and otherwise, and see how the communication goes. If the father does not get a paycheck (i.e., works under the table/gets paid in cash only), CSSD does not collect. The process looks nothing like just a stack of paperwork they send you home with. It seems like however she broaches the subject, the LW is left with two options: 1). Adrienne Adamss family and faith keep her grounded as she navigates the pressures of being the second-most-powerful person in city government. He doesnt deserve to have you try to make him realize that his already super stressful situation isnt right or that he needs to start stressing about the future. Which is all well and good, in theory, but most people don't have the luxury to make decisions about their relationships without considering their financial . The kid suffers because of two dumb parents. That could make it difficult if he wants to buy a home at some point, especially given that he already has student loans. I have been seeing a guy for about seven months, but I am worried to become more serious due to his family situation. Plus there are unholy time requirements, if shes has not worked for years it will be very hard to qualify for it now and the paperwork to defend and document her disability is costly as well.This is especially true if they dont have good records of the onset of her disability. He cant afford to write them a blank check each month. We have plans to live together, and we each make a comfortable living. I wouldnt have such an issue with it if I didnt feel that his family was taking advantage of him. But do not bring up his financial decisions to him directly. *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. Some guys like being the savior and the shining knight. Naturopathicas Toner, Topicals Faded Serum, and more. Of course, dont use that term. Coworker might have overheard me talking about them, I Dont Want to Have Sex with My Girlfriend Anymore, Should I Tell My Boyfriend I Drunkenly Kissed Someone Else?, My Husband Isnt Ready to Have a Baby, But Im Becoming Obsessed. Why a man would not give the full amount is awful as well. But also, thats a lot, and I feel like I have very little say in the matter what food they buy, etc. HELL NO. Because if you were taking care of yourself, why would you care about his financial situation? Pray for your husband and encourage him to seek counsel without nagging. How does your boyfriend feel about his role as family breadwinner? I am extremely concerned that buying his parents a house isnt financially feasible for him. After 5 years of support they have come to expect it, and I imagine that even if you convince him to cut off the money, they will a) guilt him back into giving them support and/or b) he will feel inclined to him them out over Christmas gifts, and then school supplies, etc until you are back at him handing over his money every week, AND c)everyone is going to resent you. However, if hes doing it out of guilt and then resenting them, or allowing them to treat him poorly, you have a guy on your hands who is going to need a lot of help, and I dont see a great future. If he says that he cant afford it because of X reason, you could gently ask him why hes paying for his sisters. A lot of people are feeling financial stress and anxiety right now, which can make us feel stuck and helpless, says McCoy. But both of his sisters have children with no support from the fathers, yet one has been out of a job for over 5 years and the other only works sporadically. Your boyfriends actions make it clear that he values his family and that he wants to be there for them, which can very admirable. Both of these can be positive traits, speaking of his commitment to doing the right thing even if/when he doesnt feel like it (in the first example), or speaking of his generosity (in the second case). But I dont want this to put a permanent stop to our hopes for our relationship or cause him even more financial stress. Either of those could speak well of a person. It was supposedly OURS!! Jump ship. If his priorities, and subsequent lifestyle because of such priorities, dont mesh with you and what you hope to have for the future, MOA. Then shes letting her pride get in the way, in my opinion. You cannot change him or his family dynamics. Does she speak English? And again my main point is that after all of that effort if his mother has been out of work for years, she might not qualify, period no matter how much paperwork she fils out. by Carolyn Steber and Lexi Inks. I agree with oldie here. Its not your place to say anything. when i first read the letter, i wondered what nationality he and his family are, but after thinking about it, that would only lend some logic to the why of what he does it would do nothing to change it in any way. You are right to be wary. I think he should find them a nice but more affordable apartment in a less expensive area, and continue his conversation with them about how they can contribute more, as this has been going on for a few years. Talk to him. (In fact, my own family has been judged on here in a letter I wrote, and it was not at all helpful). Which is all well and good, in theory, but most people dont have the luxury to make decisions about their relationships without considering their financial implications, especially right now. If youre ok with supporting her, too, tell him that. Has she ever worked in the U.S.? Im going through the same thing. Because he can use his extra for the sisters and not his whole income. If the father moves around a lot, CSSD cannot locate the father to enforce a support order. Thats in poor taste, and its really none of your business at 7 months. He doesnt need to change anything unless he wants to. In addition, to protect the most vulnerable borrowers from the worst consequences of missed payments following the payment restart, the Department is instituting a 12-month "on-ramp" to . 4) will talking to his mother help/will she get on board with this plan? This doesnt seem a situation for therapy. I am extremely concerned that buying his parents a house isnt financially feasible for him. The sisters are not in school! In some cases, the fathers are in prison or even dead, so there is no money to be had. This is the first step, and it's important that you talk to him honestly about how you feel and why this is important to you. How should I handle this? Hes looking into getting a loan with his sibling specifically for a home. Its unfair to the child if that woman knows the father not to maximize what she can get. Child support and visitation are two separate issues. Chances are you will always fight about this. June 23, 2022 at 12:00 a.m. EDT. Its smart that youve saved, and youll need to stretch those dollars as far as you possibly can, especially since your unemployment checks will get a lot smaller when part of the CARES Act expires at the end of this month. We were parked in the lot of a train station where he often picked me. 11 Signs Of Financial Abuse In A Relationship. Agree. Mostly because he feels bad for them. The pandemic has obviously accelerated the relationship, but moving back into your own place isnt a step backward. Its just that she is hell-bent for some reason to prove that she can do this on her own. Ask Amy: I think my boyfriend should stop financially supporting his ex. The other option is that you are the bitchy sister in law who is running your husbands life, making all the decisions and being generally disliked by your sisters-in-law, your mother-in-law, assorted nieces and nephews, and quiet possibly your husband. Some guys will refuse to work rather than pay. Long Island architect Rex Heuermann has been charged in the decade-old cold case. Please understand this is coming from someone who KNOWS. If you WANT to get more serious, then discuss getting more serious. Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com. At least, not right now. I think he should find them a nice but more affordable apartment in a less expensive area, and continue his conversation with them about how they can contribute more, as this has been going on for a few years. Ugh, if only thats how disability worked. It might be alot of paperwork but if you arent working, you should have plenty of time to fill it out and read up on it. Your Turn: My Hot Wife Refuses to Dress Sexy, Your Turn: My Boyfriends Depressed and Im Sexually Frustrated, My Ex is Sending Photos of Me to Swingers, Your Turn: The Sex Has Stopped After Only Eight Months of Marriage, Your Turn: My Boyfriend is Too Close to His Sister-in-Law. Chances are slim hell be able to make a clean break. Jane Birkin, Actor, Singer, and Fashion Icon, Dead at 76. Prime Days over, but there are still Prime Daylevel deals to be found. Especially if in the end it amounts to chump change if the fathers dont make much money or dont report it. Honestly, I would MOA. Your last two sentences are completely my point. Its essential that this be a defined amount. I dont have a real relationship with his parents, and Im not willing or able to offer my own financial support to them. You havent been together for that long, even though 2019 may seem like eons ago. Food stamps does not count in this, nor does state-funded child insurance. Have the two of you talked about moving in together? These futures will cause a lot of issues. That means two people are responsible for providing for the child, not just the father. (Not the disabled mom, obvs.). What you say is true, but unavoidable. I think what you should do is bring it up by mentioning that you think it would be fun for the 2 of you to save up for a vacation, and wait for his response. Though its admirable that he wants to help his parents, its a sign that they will always come before you and your relationship. She is concerned about herself and whether there is the possibility of an acceptable future with him. Not everyones ideal situation is to live pillar to post with their boyfriend or girlfriend, even if they love each other very much. I am very much worried about my future with him. See if his goals line up with yours. She cant tell him that he is wrong to support his family, but she can certainly tell her that she doesnt see a future together under these circumstances. Of course I want his parents to be happy. Very good point. He is like a guy who is paying alimony and child support from two failed marriages. He just needs to find a girl who wants what he wants. The process isnt that complicated, but a lot of people are woefully unaware of how it works. Having said that, it is possible to communicate with someone you love and let them know that things going the way they are isnt working for you. Years behind in investment, Pasco triples park impact fees. Did he forget his wallet and find himself in need of five dollars for bus fare and then pay you back the next day? My longtime boyfriend and I are both in our mid-20s. Does he do it because thats what men in his family culture have to do? But that is my opinion based on very little information. Whatever the dynamic is here, if everyone is happy with it, then its not dysfunctional. He also has student debt. Youve been together for 7 months, so its definitely not too soon to have a talk about the future. He also knows that youre concerned about how his parental support will affect your future together. Ive always said that if I had any doubt a guy would be a decent and present father, I would rather take three jobs and keep him out of my kids life. Its very difficult to turn away children and they would likely all end up sooner or later living with you and once they moved in they would have no incentive to move out. Hes supporting his parents financially while living with them and working two jobs. But you have to separate your financial quandary from your relationship quandary, which is I think that you arent quite ready to move in with your boyfriend (or live with his parents for an undetermined amount of time). Unfortunately, I doubt anything is likely to change. Thats his family, and its his choice to prioritize them. 1:24 This column is the first of atwo-part series addressing the financial support of adult children. There are two reasons why many people get divorced - 1.) She should have immediately. The takeaway, says McCoy, is that if and when you do choose to move in with your boyfriend (ideally, you know, without his parents), you should try to not let money sway your decision. If he doesnt share your concernsMOA. Id caution your boyfriend against buying his parents a house. The beauty (yes, beauty) in being knocked down when you're in a relationship is that you have some help getting up. I have the suspicion, just based on some of the details shes provided, that her BF may have grown up in an environment where this sort of behavior is relatively normal. Fortis Hospital, Shalimar Bagh, Fortis Memorial Research Institute, Gurgaon Q: My boyfriend and I share a good chemistry and understand each other well.
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